This is an interesting experience. I'm not really sure why I'm posting on here again. I'm not even sure why I'm talking about this, because the people who knew about this blog certainly do not check here anymore. I think I just needed someplace to vent and sort out my thoughts without people reading over my shoulder.

I hate people. I hate the fact that I can't hate people for long. No matter how many times someone close to me disappoints me, I rarely can stay mad at them for very long. I feel like these people are sincerely apologetic while I'm upset, but they don't really take it to heart. If they truly meant it and felt badly about hurting me, they wouldn't let it happen again. But it does happen again. and again. and I'm really not sure why I'm ever surprised. You'd think I'd see it coming after a while. But I let them keep doing it to me, over and over. And usually, I'm the one who comes crawling back to the friendship/relationship/whatever. Am I that desperate to not be alone? How pathetic.

I'm struggling with the permeability of my emotions lately. I'm in love. I'm head over heels in love. But I have feelings for other people. This is hurting me, confusing me, making my emotional life almost a nightmare. I just don't even know what to do anymore. I can't tell the person I'm in love with, "I really, truly love you, but I need to explore some other things before we can be together forever." That's practically like saying, "You know, I love you a lot, but I'm gonna see if I can find someone better before I settle for you." The whole situation makes me feel like a complete asshole. I just wish there were someone who knew the answers to everything that would tell me what to do and when to do it. I'm sick of making the wrong choices, and I'm sick of being lost. I need some fucking help and have nowhere to find it.

I feel like I have no one to depend on. I can't even depend on myself any more. I have too much going on, I'm on the brink of a breakdown virtually every other day. My friends are either almost all unreliable, or I don't feel like I can bother them with any of my whining and crying. I don't know what it is about this semester, but I am just so completely unsure of myself and my relationships with people right now. I feel completely incapacitated: internally, socially, intellectually.

I need to be rescued soon. I'm drowning.

Ah, back to Blogger. I really don't think anyone reads this still because it's been months since I posted, even longer since I posted something worthwhile, but I'll try to write in here every once in a while anyway.

Sigh. I feel like this week hasn't been BAD, per se, but each day just seems SO LONG. One more day of classes, then my last day off (for forever, it feels like), then into tech rehearsals. Wheeeee!!!

Monday was one of the better Mondays I've had in a LONG time. That's despite having one of the craziest weekends ever. I made it a point to have a good Monday, because if I have a really shitty Monday, the rest of the week is just crap, too. I woke up early, finished my history paper, then had a delightful surprise lunch with Cecily and Tasha. After that I went to class (snooze). I talked to Luke for a while afterwards, which is always weird because we fought SO MUCH last year. I guess he just needed to come out. And I probably needed to mellow out, but that's beside the point. When I got home, LeaAnne was here! It's so exciting to see LeaAnne when you least expect it, she is so much fun. I played MarioKart with Chris and LeaAnne for a while, then I took a nap. I feel like I don't take enough naps anymore. Mental note: skip more class, take more naps. After I woke up, I knew I had to do something to make this Monday even better (Keep in mind, Sunday was pretty shitty). So I took myself out for Chinese, and I even got some potstickers! Let me tell you, if you ever need to have a good day, Chinese food is the best way to do it. After that was the sitzprobe (singthrough with the orchestra) for Into the Woods. It was kinda tedious, but the orchestra sounds GREAT, so I wasn't too bored.

Yesterday wasn't half bad. Despite the fact that it poured and all I had was a broken ugly pastel green umbrella from Sara, I still maintained a decent mood all day. My toes were wet and cold, but I had fun in Musical Theatre, so it didn't matter. I made it through Tuesday, which is arguably one of my hardest days of the week.

Having my THIRD broken computer of the year is becoming VERY FRUSTRATING. However, I've become much more independant and productive because of it. I wrote an entire paper in the ArtSci Computing Lab over a 3 day period. I was proud of myself, usually I can't do work in public places. Also, I'll go up to the library just to check my e-mail and then I'll sit in the comfy chairs and read for a while. It's kinda nice. I feel so studious!

I'm happy. I really am. I have an amazing family, the best friends a person could ever want, and I go to a great school. I just get so frustrated because I feel like I'm always going to want the one thing that's missing, but I'm never going to be able to have it. I'm at my wit's end, I have no clue what to do anymore. I don't want to settle, but I don't know what else to do. If you want to hear about it, just ask me. I've been asking people's opinions all week. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Run-through tonight, Spacing rehearsal tomorrow. OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO BE IN THE THEATRE ON THE SET TOMORROW OH MY GOD. That's so exciting. Show is in a week and a half, come see me!!!

1) First Name? Christopher
2) Are you named after anyone? my middle name is my grandpa's name
3) Do you wish on stars? Every now and then
4) Which finger is your favorite? the middle one. duh.
5) When did you last cry? It was when I found out my grandpa is getting re-married, 2 nights ago, I think
6) Do you like your handwriting? it's crap
7) What is your favorite lunch meat? turkey turkey turkey
8) What is your most embarrassing CD on the shelf? I have numerous *NSYNC CDs, but they're all good, dammit!
9) If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Hell yeah. I rule!
10) Are you a daredevil? Not in the least. I'm a pansy
11) Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Probably at one point or another. In fact, yes, I distinctly remember one time that got me in trouble, but I've been good since. Plus, I was drunk.
12) Do looks matter? Kinda
13) How do you release anger? Loud, fast music
14) Where is your second home? My car, or Tyler's place. I mean, come on, his roommate made a stocking for me....and gave me presents! That, or Sara's house, I love her family. Wow, I have a lot of second homes....
15) Do you trust others easily? Not really
16) What was your favorite toy as a child? Shit....uhm, I really liked Ninja Turtles
17) What class in school do you think is completely
useless? I don't think any classes are useless, but I HATE biology-based psych courses, they piss me off
18) Do you have a journal? not a real-life one, just 2 on the internet
19) Do you use sarcasm a lot? All the time, it's fun!
20) Have you ever been in a mosh pit? Surprisingly, yes.
21) What do you look for in a guy? Sense of humor, mostly. If they don't have that, I'll probably get bored.
22) What are your nicknames? I don't really have any....
23) Would you bungee jump? No way in hell
24) Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Not usually
25) Do you think that you are strong willed? Definitely
26) What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Oooooo!!! cookies and cream!!!
27) Shoe Size? 11
28) What are your favorite colors? Grey, black, sometimes some green, perhaps a little blue
29) What is your least favorite thing? Ignorance
30) How many wisdom teeth do you have? 4. Dammit, I need to get that taken care of
31) How many people have a crush on you right now? One, but he's my boyfriend, does that count?
32) What do you miss most right now? My boyfriend and my friends.
33) What color pants are you wearing? Blue jeans
34) What are you listening to right now? Some hospital show in the other room
35) Last thing you ate? A big meal at my grandpa's girlfriend's house
36) If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Silver
37) What is the weather like right now? It was BEAUTIFUL all day (I'm in Texas), but it's kinda chilly now
38) Last person you talked to on the phone? Bri!
39) The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Hair on girls, really, but eyes on boys (since I like boys)
40) How are you today? READY TO GO HOME. And kinda crappy
42) Favorite alcoholic drink/cocktail? I like some Cape Cods, some Screwdrivers, some Cheerleader Beer (Smirnoff Ice, etc.), but my favorite shot is BY FAR Jack Daniels
43) Favorite Sport? WGI: Sport of the Arts. Or Drum Corps, that should count, too.
44) Hair color? Brown
45) Eye color? brown
46) Do you wear contacts? yep, so much that most people probably don't even know I have to wear glasses
47) Favorite month? MAY! My birthday AND the beginning of summer!
48) Favorite food? Chinese! and french fries. and garlic cheese bread.
49) Last movie you watched? Dirty Dancing this afternoon. I guess it's not as bad as I remember it, but it's still pretty bad.
50) Favorite day of the year? The last day of school, for now
51) Are you too shy to ask someone out? oh yeah
52) Scary movies or happy endings? I LOVE SCARY MOVIES
54) Hugs or kisses? Hugs are more universally useful
55) What book/magazine are you reading? I just finished "Songbook" by some guy...Hornby....wrote "About a Boy"
56) What's on your mouse pad? My grandpa has a plain purple mousepad
57) Favorite board game? I like Scattergories, even though I'm bad at it, and Taboo! Trivial Pursuit is fun, too
58) What did you watch on tv last night? Shit, I don't remember
59) Favorite Smell? good food cooking
60) What is the first thing you think of when you wake up? how much I want to go back to bed

How to make a VoltronChris

Ingredients: 1 part competetiveness 3 parts courage 3 parts joy

Method: Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add emotion to taste! Do not overindulge!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
I auditioned for a show at Wash U (and got a lead! damn I rule!), I impressed people with my singing (in the same line, but it also got me my part in Grease), I was completely myself and very open and subsequently met a lot of REALLY cool people, and I instituted an 8-day celebration for my birthday called Chris-o de Mayo! Also, I am looking to have both the WORST GPA of my college career (Spring 04) and the BEST GPA of my college career (Fall 04). That would be pretty cool, I'm just waiting on one more grade. There's more I'm sure, I was pretty productive all year.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't have a resolution last year, but I plan on keeping this year's, which, if you know me well enough, you know what it is. Also, in 2005, I plan on improving myself as a person. I could be better. We all could, I think.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
ew, no.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandma

5. What countries did you visit?
Springfield, MO is kind of like another country....

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
a work ethic, a budget, a decent job

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 7, 2004. First date with awesome boyfriend.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I think I went over these in question 1. However, I would have to say getting Jack in Into the Woods and rocking out on my grades this semester. These represent the first times in my life where I have worked my ass off for something and it has actually paid off. Previously, I had sat on my ass and had it pay off anyway, or worked my ass off and had nothing to show for it. I was very proud this time, though.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I'm not really sure about this one. I think I've done pretty well for myself this year. I'm not bragging or being arrogant or snotty, I'm just saying I think I've really changed and grown up a lot this year, and while not everything has gone perfectly, I'm really happy with the way things have turned out.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I ripped my jeans....that's about it

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I can't really think of anything, so let me go with my new cashmere sweater! or the couch my dad got me...

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
all of my friends who rule, and my awesome boyfriend (still)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
George W. Bush and everyone who voted for him. oh, and Harold Blumenfeld, for writing crappy music.

14. Where did most of your money go?
CDs, food, rent

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Grease, DCI Finals (even though I wasn't there), the entire winterguard season last spring, and I ALWAYS get excited for the Messiah Singalong!

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Sadly, "Brave and Crazy" by Melissa Etheridge, "Lullabye (acoustic)" by Shawn Mullins, and "When You Say You Love Me" by Josh Groban all remind me of the entire Winter/Spring. I can't really think of anything that reminds me of this summer, except for maybe something from Grease. And of course, "With You" by Jessica Simpson, "Get Out (Leave!)" by JoJo, "Lose My Breath" by Destiny's Child, "The Rose" by Bette Midler, and all those other songs on Chris's 14 year old girl CD will ALWAYS make me think of the end of summer through this fall and the amazing times I have had with Chris and Sara.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder? So much happier
Older and wiser - oh yeah, both
Thinner or fatter? I think I got thinner....
Richer or poorer? SO MUCH POORER!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
reading for classes, schoolwork in general

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
wasting my time with certain people

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I am currently in Port Arthur, Texas (hometown of Janis Joplin! Woohoo!), visiting my grandpa. In a couple days, I will be HOME HOME HOME!

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
yes, I most certainly did

23. How many one-night stands?
2. Both in May.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Project Runway is the SHIT, and Desperate Housewives is good, too, Christopher!

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Eh. I just don't bother with people like that.

26. What was the best book you read?
I read "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them" by Al Franken, and it ROCKS!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I learned to appreciate a lot of "classical" music more because of Music History, but also, I've become so intimate with one Joni Mitchell

28. What did you want and get?
I have been over this so much. A part in Grease. Jack in Into the Woods. Good grades this semester. Awesome new friends.

29. What did you want and not get?
I think I need a Honda Civic Hybrid, but my father seems to disagree

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I didn't really see many movies this year, but Spiderman 2 was awesome!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a massive celebration (8 days, to be exact!). Events included: A free concert with Live (WILD) at which I was WAY drunk, an AWESOME party in Lafayette, IN, a bizarre drag show at Faces, a guy stealing a purse at Cartel, got my awesome tattoo, and had a bitchin' birthday party at my new apartment! It was a very good birthday week.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Lots and lots of money. Like, seriously, buttloads of it.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Look hot all the time, but only dress up when you have to. It's a thin line, but I'm trying to walk it.

34. What kept you sane?
my friends oh my GOD my friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
JUDE LAW IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN ALIVE

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay rights. Closely followed by women's rights. Closely followed by REPUBLICANS ARE FUCKING DUMB (MOST OF THE TIME, AND NOT ALL OF THEM, ESPECIALLY NOT CAITLIN WHO FUCKING RULES)

37. Who did you miss?
I missed Sara and Chris all summer (and Amy, for the part that she was gone), oh, and I REALLY miss Cara and Scott, now that they're down in Springfield (BOO!!!!), and I miss all my wonderful friends who already WERE in Springfield and went back. You suck, you should live in my closet.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
THERE ARE SO MANY I CAN'T EVEN TRY TO COUNT.
Let me see here:
-Everyone at SMSU, for example, Ryan Fossier (I know I met him at the end of last year, but didn't really get to know him til this year), Josh, Jean, Lola, John, Laura, and many, many more...
-Scotty, oh man, Scotty
-Everyone from Summer Showbiz, especially Big Alex, Rachel, Leah, WENDY, Amanda, and of course, Erin, how could I ever forget Erin
-People in Edwardsville that I met after this summer, like Ashley, who RULES!
-Tyler, the best boyfriend I could ask for
-A bunch of people at Wash U, like Emily, Andy, Joe, Tasha, Ben, and more more more! AHHHHH!!!

HOLY SHIT, I ALMOST FORGOT....I only REALLY became great friends with LeaAnne this year, and she is like, my ROCK. She rules! If you don't know LeaAnne, your life officially SUCKS. Trust me.

Basically, I met a fuckton of really awesome, amazing people this year. And I'll leave it at that.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
I am myself, and that is the only thing that nobody can take from me. As long as I stay true to me, I have the world at my fingertips.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"I get by with a little help from my friends"

Kelly Arl, if you are reading this, there is one thing you need to know: I DO NOT REGRET EVER MAKING OUT WITH KELLY ARL, ANY OF THE TIMES IT HAPPENED. IT WAS HOT. EVEN FOR A GAY MAN.

1. What is the middle name of the first person you ever slept with or had sex with? I'm really embarassed, but I don't know!

2. What kind of underwear are you wearing and what color? pale yellow boxerbriefs from the Gap

3. What is the song you want played at your Funeral? I've already discussed my plans to have a BIG ASS SCARY REQUIEUM played/sung at my funeral.....just to scare the shit out of people.

4. What Would Your Last Meal be before getting executed? A big ass steak? I don't know, if I get fucking executed, I'm going to be PISSED OFF.

5. Beatles or Stones? I FUCKING HATE THE ROLLING STONES. The Beatles rock my world. Does that answer your question?

6. If you had to pick one person on earth who should die, who would it be? I don't think I should have this power, but let me go with Osama Bin Laden, because it's trendy and it's an easy way out. Everyone KNOWS my obvious answer, but I really don't think that being a hateful prejudiced moron in power is grounds for death.

7. The person whose problems you would never want to hear again? Most of the people that I've dated. A lot of them are FUCKED UP. Even more than I am.

8. What is the thing most important to you (as far as physical) about the preferred sex? Eyes.....and hair.

9. Do you secretly hate some of your friends but are too nice to reject them? Do I strike you as a person who is too nice to do ANYTHING?

10. If you could have any super power what would it be? Shit! Sara had the best idea ever! She said she would want the little hammer suit from Super Mario 3, and that fucking rocks! and according to her, my boyfriend has a superpower, lol. Also on my list: flying, the little squirrel suit from Mario 3, and the sock that you get to jump around in in Mario 3. That sock RULES!

11. Favorite hangover cure: Lots of water, a Mylanta Caplet, and a buttload of Tylenol. or, another drink! HA!

12. How many drinks does it take to get you drunk? Usually 5 or 6

13. Favorite song lyric?


14. Hair color you most like someone you're dating to have? I usually like blondes, but my boyfriend has light brown hair, so it really doesn't matter that much, now does it?

15. If you had to be: blind or deaf? holy shit, blind. Fuck that, if I didn't have music, I would go crazy

16. Do you have any psychiatric problems? I hope that I'm past the depression time of my life, but I also get anxiety attacks that PISS ME OFF. and freak me out.

17. Siblings that should go to rehab? lol, no, not yet at least

18. Least favorite month? well, December has pretty much SUCKED ASS. But at least I'm on a break from school. I'd probably go with October or February, where there is no break in sight.

19. First movie you can remember seeing as a kid? morbidly enough, Nightmare on Elm Street...

20. Favorite person in the whole world? besides my mom, which is an obvious answer, I can't say anybody in particular. I was just going on and on the other night to Sara about how all of my friends are so important to me in completely different ways. How could I possibly pick just one, or even a handful? stupid question.

21. When's the last time you went on a date? Oh, shit. You kind of lose track of your dates when you're in a relationship. I DO know when my FIRST date with Tyler was, and that was October 7, 2004. We ate at Ruby Tuesday, got coffe at Starbuck's, and watched TV with some friends.

22. Do you like violent movies or dirty movies? Duh, I'm a boy. Dirty movies all the way!

23. Fall or spring? Spring, totally

24. Person you most wish you hadn't made out with? Wow, I've got a big old list of them. If I had to pick one....I'd go with...people that I ended up being friends with afterwards, but will always have that awkward mark. You know who you are...

25. If you are straight, what person of the same sex would you do it with? Wait, do I still get to answer this? I would TOTALLY bang Gwen Stefani, she is so gorgeous.

26. Where do you want to live when you are old and brittle? In a big-ass, old, extravagant house. I'm going out in style, dammit.

27. Who is the person or persons you can count on most? Sara, Amy, Chris, LeaAnne, Tyler (of course)

28. If you could date any celebrity past or present, time and age are not factors? Holy shit, James frickin' Dean

29. What books have you pretended you've read? A Tale of Two Cities, Brave New World, Last of the Mohicans, Jude the Obscure, Tess of the D'Urbervilles, and I never finished To Kill a Mockingbird (proceed with chastising now). I was REALLY lazy in high school.

30. What's a word you would use to describe your life? FUCKING HARD. I know that's two words, but I think they're both necessary. Seriously, I put up with a lot of shit, no matter what anyone tries to say. And you know what? I'm a better, stronger person for it.

31. Favorite drinking game? The Chicago Drinking Game, The South Park Drinking Game, and woah man, CIRCLE OF DEATH!!!!

32. What did you dream last night? I never remember my dreams. In one of my dreams this week, though, I was being chased. That was freaky.

THAT'S IT!

This is why Bush is the new Hitler:

http://www.commondreams.org/headlines04/1106-30.htm

http://www.washingtondispatch.com/article_10500.shtml

Yes, I said HITLER. George W. Bush is comparable to HITLER.

Also, George W. Bush is a TERRORIST.

Not only did he INTIMIDATE people into voting for him by basically saying, "You are going to DIE if John Kerry is elected President", he also had to fucking RIG the election to win. His campaign was run on fear, saying you are not safe if Kerry is President. He basically BULLIED people into voting for him, and when he realized that most Americans were too smart for his bullshit (those websites at least make me feel better about the American people), he had to cheat, steal, and lie his way into a second term.

I'd LOVE to stick around and try to help pick up the pieces of this backward nation after the damage this man has done. However, I'm going to get the fuck out of GOD DAMN NAZI GERMANY before I get put in a concentration camp.

I'm seriously just WAITING for men in dark suits and sunglasses to come and arrest me under the Patriot Act.....

It's official: George W. Bush hasn't even started his second term, but he has already declared another war: this one is on the American people.

I DARE you to try to tell me that all of my fears were only in my head.

WHAT DID I DO TO YOU PEOPLE? WHY AM I BEING ATTACKED LIKE THIS?

Isn't enough that you fucked up our foreign policy? Can't you fix that before you start fucking up our country, too? YOU ASSHOLE, people are dying every day in Iraq, but you can find the time to oppress me? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR PRIORITIES? Apparently, I, as a gay man, am a bigger threat to our country than fucking Osama Bin Laden.

I am so scared and upset right now. I take it back: if you voted for Bush, please don't talk to me for a while. I think that I have every reason to ask for some space right now. Look at what YOUR president is doing to me.

http://www.kaicurryservices.com/peacecandy/gwbush/dishonestdubya/

mwahahahahahahaha


at least I have something to laugh at for the next 4 years....in a sick, twisted, morbid kind of way.